To Be or Not To Be part 3

Yesterday despite having a positive outlook and doing what I had been taught my world was going pear shaped.  I had finished my studies and found a job in a college and my wife of just  18 months got a job locally too. Now remember I had been told to work hard and that’s what I did spending hours at college writing lesson plans and integrating onto the department I worked in at seamlessly as possible.

All this time at college meant my wife saw less of me and within a short period of time we separated, amicably but separated. Divorce followed and we have only spoken a couple of times since.

Now fully up to speed I took on responsibilities and continued to broaden my knowledge. At weekends I passed the time customizing a Ford 100E  by putting a 1300 cc cross-flow engine coupled to a three rail Ford 2000E gearbox and Classic 375 front struts and disc brakes with a Ford Anglia 105E rear axle all in a body shell I got for free. I was also study for a degree based on society and education.

Now sorting out how to customise the car was easy compared to doing the essays and assignments for my degree. I suffer from dyslexia and have problems to this day. You may have spotted that already? Along the way I met my future wife and got engaged on her 21st birthday. Now that seems to me pretty good so far, right? Been doing all these things, got divorced and then engaged, and in work what more could a guy want?

Despite all that was going on in my life I was still looking for something. My problem was I hadn’t a clue what it was. I eventually got married and got promoted at college and even became a staff governor as well as a visiting assessor for an awarding body. I also finished my degree with honours having done a dissertation on learning styles and teaching styles in the classroom. Believe me it was a long hard slog but I got it.

Now you may be thinking, what’s his problem got a wife, career a degree. On the face of it nothing like many people we had little money after paying the rent on our flat, but we had food and a roof over our heads. It was one evening during  a walk  with a long time friend and his wife that it struck me what the problem was I had. It had been with me since I first left school. Money pure a simple. You see Dave had thought that when we worked together that I was earning a lot more than what I told him I was earning. That was it, I had always undervalued myself and in doing so had created a lack of money or wealth. This was further reinforced when the company we had both worked for was sold someone sent me my personnel file as a memento and within that folder was a note indicating that the company was willing to go at least another £1000 more than they got me for.

How long had I being subconsciously sabotaging myself?  All my life and it was only a year ago that I finally came to term with it. Yes it took one hell of a long time to admit I had been shooting myself in the foot for years.

Take note and make certain you are not doing the same thing. Oh! it’s subtle but the pointers are there if you want to find them. Then you have to face up to the devil before you can move on. But that’s another blog entirely.

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